"What's going on? Freak...RUN!"

One especially insightful young man spoke to me the other day of relationships and their unfortunate beginnings...or lack thereof. I stated that men need to step up their game, grow a pair, and start asking girls out, as it is their duty to womankind. I explained that when us girls go after men, we have a tendency to be viewed as desperate. He replied as follows: "If the gazelle starts chasing the lion he's like, 'What's going on? Freak...RUN!" Yes girls, we are the gazelle. So if guys like to be the one to chase the girls down, lets get on with it. The only reason the gazelle starts chasing is because she's tired of waiting around for the stupid lion to pounce. So, she figures if she inches toward him he'll get the idea she wants to be chased. After all, she is a gazelle...But no. See, lions are stupid. So the gazelle thinks that if she chases him he'll get off his rear and get the clue to chase back, so she does. And what does our dear lion do? "Freak...RUN!" He gets off his tush alright, but he's headed the wrong freaking direction!!! Oh silly gazelle.

One little, two little, three little skanks...

Okay, for as much as I rant about guys, I feel the need to cut them a break. Girls can be just as bad...well, some of them at least. And even those of us who aren't out to be heartless super-skanks have our issues. For as much as we may try not to be, we are generally overly emotional and incredibly hormonal. Not that we can help it, but we can often be confused with that giant, terrifying dinosaur (no girls, not Barney) GODZILLA, as we stomp around, teeth bared, somehow unable to properly communicate with society without terrifying children, the elderly, and let us not forget, most of all, men. It's a wonder they brave the torrent of emotional chaos for any of us. Men may be harsh and seemingly unfeeling but we often meet them blow for blow. There's a reason we've got the rep we do, men have two obnoxious extremes to deal with. The overly emotional, hormonally unstable, super-skanks, and the soul sucking harpies. Exhibit A: Super-skanks. Like batteries, these women hold an emotional charge strong enough to shock the crap any man alive. It doesn't matter if they already have a man, anyone is fair game and subject to their wily ways. They take the term "divide and conquer" not as a group objective, but as an individual one. Schizophrenia is a lifestyle in their case, not a disorder. They are the center of the universe, and yes, we should praise them. Common symptoms include explosive blow ups, unexplainable and sometimes unstoppable bouts of tears, and overly dramatic displays of any emotion. The loony bin called, they want their psycho back! But now, on to the next. Exhibit B: Soul-sucking harpies. These girls are something special. Most of us don't go through the day with the intent of being heartless, it just happens sometimes. Harpies however, have got to lay awake at night just thinking of ways they can stomp on boys' little hearts. Don't get me wrong, we'll occasionally plot about ways to get back at boys for some cruel misdeed and make sure it hurts, but we wouldn't think of actually going through with it. These girls plot like the rest of us, but they carry out their plans!!! They really don't care if what they do hurts. They're the bane of young men and the curse of womanhood. So with that said, let me offer a formal apology boys. I'm sorry girls are horrible. You just don't deserve it sometimes...sometimes. Let me just says this: In the words of George Carlin, "Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." If you're gonna dish out the crap, make sure you can take it boys. As previously discussed, it will undoubtedly come.