Five Popsicles

When a girl feeds a guy, especially when that girl is a starving and poor college student, it means she likes you. And ice cream, Popsicles, and other delectably sugary frozen treats mean the most. Think about it: Girls buy said treats because they need something to stuff their faces with whilst wallowing in self pity over unrequited love. So, if a girl sacrifices her means of coping and offers up the deliciousness to the cause of her wallowing in self pity, she thereby manifests her love to him. It's really not that hard to understand, and yet men just don't get it. Do we invite creeps over to share in our sugary goodness? Heavens no! Why? We don't like them, and thus we do not want to give them the wrong idea, which offering them yum-yums would indeed do. Do we invite our wanna-be (and by wanna-be I mean we want them to be) lover men over to share our spoils? Heck yes we do! Why? Because we want them to think more sugar is an option. And no, I'm not talking about the processed variety, rather the sugar one might extract from the sweet, sweet lips of a young lady. What do you not get boys? We feed you deliciousness because we love you.

"What's going on? Freak...RUN!"

One especially insightful young man spoke to me the other day of relationships and their unfortunate beginnings...or lack thereof. I stated that men need to step up their game, grow a pair, and start asking girls out, as it is their duty to womankind. I explained that when us girls go after men, we have a tendency to be viewed as desperate. He replied as follows: "If the gazelle starts chasing the lion he's like, 'What's going on? Freak...RUN!" Yes girls, we are the gazelle. So if guys like to be the one to chase the girls down, lets get on with it. The only reason the gazelle starts chasing is because she's tired of waiting around for the stupid lion to pounce. So, she figures if she inches toward him he'll get the idea she wants to be chased. After all, she is a gazelle...But no. See, lions are stupid. So the gazelle thinks that if she chases him he'll get off his rear and get the clue to chase back, so she does. And what does our dear lion do? "Freak...RUN!" He gets off his tush alright, but he's headed the wrong freaking direction!!! Oh silly gazelle.

One little, two little, three little skanks...

Okay, for as much as I rant about guys, I feel the need to cut them a break. Girls can be just as bad...well, some of them at least. And even those of us who aren't out to be heartless super-skanks have our issues. For as much as we may try not to be, we are generally overly emotional and incredibly hormonal. Not that we can help it, but we can often be confused with that giant, terrifying dinosaur (no girls, not Barney) GODZILLA, as we stomp around, teeth bared, somehow unable to properly communicate with society without terrifying children, the elderly, and let us not forget, most of all, men. It's a wonder they brave the torrent of emotional chaos for any of us. Men may be harsh and seemingly unfeeling but we often meet them blow for blow. There's a reason we've got the rep we do, men have two obnoxious extremes to deal with. The overly emotional, hormonally unstable, super-skanks, and the soul sucking harpies. Exhibit A: Super-skanks. Like batteries, these women hold an emotional charge strong enough to shock the crap any man alive. It doesn't matter if they already have a man, anyone is fair game and subject to their wily ways. They take the term "divide and conquer" not as a group objective, but as an individual one. Schizophrenia is a lifestyle in their case, not a disorder. They are the center of the universe, and yes, we should praise them. Common symptoms include explosive blow ups, unexplainable and sometimes unstoppable bouts of tears, and overly dramatic displays of any emotion. The loony bin called, they want their psycho back! But now, on to the next. Exhibit B: Soul-sucking harpies. These girls are something special. Most of us don't go through the day with the intent of being heartless, it just happens sometimes. Harpies however, have got to lay awake at night just thinking of ways they can stomp on boys' little hearts. Don't get me wrong, we'll occasionally plot about ways to get back at boys for some cruel misdeed and make sure it hurts, but we wouldn't think of actually going through with it. These girls plot like the rest of us, but they carry out their plans!!! They really don't care if what they do hurts. They're the bane of young men and the curse of womanhood. So with that said, let me offer a formal apology boys. I'm sorry girls are horrible. You just don't deserve it sometimes...sometimes. Let me just says this: In the words of George Carlin, "Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." If you're gonna dish out the crap, make sure you can take it boys. As previously discussed, it will undoubtedly come.

The few, The proud, The B.S.

There's a few of us, we're proud, and it's all a bunch-o-B.S. I'm not talkin' about the Marines girls, I'm talkin' about us! THE SINGLE! The Marines are lucky in comparison! They have guns. And while some of us may have those too, they're aloud to use them! So let's dissect this: The few. That's right, it would seem we're going extinct. Our breed is slowly dying off, ruthlessly being taken out by the wiley ways of determined poachers hidden beneath the guise of being gentle young men. It's guerrilla warfare. They're ruthless and bold and only the strong survive! Hence our pride! It's a classic case of survival of the fittest. We've survived the mad feeding frenzy so often confused with what the weak call the "dating game." We should be proud! We don't need men to make us happy! We are strong, capable, confident, independent....lonely women. Which leads me to my next point. We may be proudly few in number, but it also sucks like no other. While they are annoyingly pig headed and immature, they're also hot and sweet and adorably manly. I know, right? I'm whistling a slightly different tune this time around. I don't hate all of them!...just most of them...

In the Jungle

Welcome to BYU-'I do'! Birthplace of the mighty Love Jungle! Population: Some astronomical number of overly lovey-dovey couples, and even larger amount of disgusted single people. BYU-'I do' boasts stunning displays of public affection, including but not limited to: intense make out sessions, frolicking about clinging to one another's hands, and last, but certainly not least, that adorable cuddling we all like to see! As one might imagine, BYU-'I do' subjects it's residents to sickening displays of love, sappy infatuation, and eternal happiness! It comes with the territory! However, BYU-'I do' is not for the faint of heart or the weak in stomach. Such displays may cause: Nausea, annoyance, heart break, vomiting, bitterness, and a general lack of faith in people's ability to remain sane while under the influence of attraction. One word of warning: Don't stand too close, our sappy love might rub off on you!

I'm a Barbie girl!

Let's be serious, Barbie's the only girl who likes to be played with. Which is obvious...Her bikini is always falling off in the store. However, those of us who don't come from the racks of your local toy store have something other than fleshy colored plastic occupying our insides. It sound just like the word heart. Oh yeah, it is a heart! Caution: Contents may be soft, squishy, and incredibly fragile. That's right, it hurts when you poke at it, drop it, run over it...that sort of thing. And unlike Barbie, it can't be fixed with super glue. We don't come from boxes, we don't have to buy our friends, and we're not all hot after Ken. If you want a girl to play with boys, Barbie's waiting at Wal-mart!

The Yoorooga

Ah, The Yoorooga, the casa, the humble abode! That's right, the new PAD! No, not Kotex, I'm talkin' about my apartment, and all that comes along with it! The roommates, the fun, and above all, the "Itty bitty livin' space!" Name that movie! Who would have thought it would be so fun?! With the quote wall, the awesome eavesdropping front window, and above all, the ongoing search for the elusive Chad, could it get better? The best part is YES! IT CAN! And one would hope that it indeed will!

Dates give you the runs...Did you say dating makes you run?

"Let me ask you a question. What the heck is dating anyway except some long, drawn out process of elimination where you both try to present your best side while hiding the real you. And that can only last about three months anyway because eventually it leaks out and then you have to spend the next three months getting to know your real selves. And then one of you wants a commitment, the other one wants to bail and then you have to start all over again. I mean dating...dating...dating is stupid!" -Fools Rush In

My thoughts exactly! There's a reason why they call it the dating "game", because it's a game! Girls take it too seriously, guys don't take it seriously enough, and in the end, everyone is just confused and frustrated. Occasionally someone wins in this game, but those instances are few and far between. And as if dating isn't bad enough, guys don't even ask girls on dates anymore. We've been sentenced to "hanging out". The most noncommittal form of socialization between the sexes possible. Granted, it is fun, but it goes absolutely nowhere. Guys don't mean anything by it, and we girls read too much into it. It's like a guy patting you on the back when he hugs you. Sure he hugged you, but he also patted you on the back like he would his grandmother...you can't glean much affection from such an exchange, nor can you from hanging out. The problem is, nobody has a solution. We kind of just have to put our big girl panties of and deal with it cupcakes...

She's got a great personality

So me and my friends are sitting around one night and we're talking about this guy (To protect the identity of this poor sap, we'll call him Chad...mostly just because I love that name). Anyways, we're talking about Chad and how hot he is, and how much I like him, and all that good stuff when someone brings up the point that when guys have a great personality it makes them like ten times hotter! So we continue our conversation about hunky Chad and then something occurs to me...When girls talk about guys, anytime you say "he's got a great personality" the response goes something like *giggle, giggle* "Yeah, he's totally hot!" However, and herein lies one of the great injustices of being a girl, when guys are talking about girls and someone says "she's got a great personality" the response goes something like *collective wincing* "EW!" Why?! Them having an awesome personality only makes them cuter, but when we do, it automatically makes us ugly? Where's the justice in that? Nowhere, because there is none...

Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime

Let's run through a hypothetical. Jill is out one day doing whatever it is she may be doing and quite unexpectedly runs into an attractive stranger named Jack. Jack is great. He's cute, he's fun, and he's got loads of personality. Jack is an all around good guy. Not only that, but Jack is very attentive. He flirts with Jill, makes her feel cute, and gives her the time of freaking day. So, what does Jill think? He likes me! And why shouldn't she feel like that? Jack is sending all the right signals. He's saying things only interested guys say, doing things only interested guys do, he's acting interested. He calls her things like 'babe' and 'cutie', and to Jill (and every other girl on the planet) he seems like he likes Jill. So Jill, being a typical girl puts herself in a certain mindset. The mindset of the pursued. Jill tries out Jack's last name with hers. She waits longingly for phone calls and/or texts from Jack. She talks excitedly to her girlfriends about Jack. Sound familiar? Well Jill, STOP! Jack means nothing by any of this. Jack is a guy. They send these signals out without realizing that we girls will pick up on them. And then once we read these signals the way they, technically, should be read, and begin to act on them, they run away wondering, why do girls always take everything we do and turn it into some 'clue' that we like them? Well, I'll tell you Jack! Because that's how you put it out there. If you didn't act like you're interested in Jill, Jill won't think you're interested. It's not Jill, Jack. It's you...

Barnacles

Barnacle ('stalk-er) male 1: has amazing ability to glom onto females 2: pays so much attention to one particular girl that other guys think she's taken, causing girl to get desperate and issue a restraining order 3: in times of famine or miracle, aforementioned girl might go for said Barnacle. -Stephanie Fowers, Meet your Match.

Ahh! The Barnacle. The bane of the young, single female's existence! And yet, they have been permeating society from the beginning of dating! We can't get rid of them! Much like the underside of an oil tanker, they latch onto hapless young women with a vengeance, creating innumerable difficulties for poor, innocent, defenseless girls. There's no way to fight these guys off because they somehow just don't get it! "Hints" mean nothing to them. You can outright tell these guys you have no interest whatsoever in them, but do they back off? Of course not! And because they're so attentive, other normal guys somehow get in their minds that the feeling is mutual, thus backing off altogether. And where does this leave us? Desperate! And as a result, we are sentenced to either being alone, or trying to convince ourselves that well...maybe he's not that bad...

Why is it...

I consider myself to be a relatively normal young woman. I practice good hygiene. I am considered by many to be somewhat humorous. I am a good, sane, ambitious individual. So, with that in mind, I can only help but wonder...Why is it that weird, thoroughly psychotic, physically unappealing men tend to flock to, chase down, and even stalk us single, relatively normal young women? While on the other hand, fun, attractive, normal men flee from us like we've all contracted the plague...