Five Popsicles

When a girl feeds a guy, especially when that girl is a starving and poor college student, it means she likes you. And ice cream, Popsicles, and other delectably sugary frozen treats mean the most. Think about it: Girls buy said treats because they need something to stuff their faces with whilst wallowing in self pity over unrequited love. So, if a girl sacrifices her means of coping and offers up the deliciousness to the cause of her wallowing in self pity, she thereby manifests her love to him. It's really not that hard to understand, and yet men just don't get it. Do we invite creeps over to share in our sugary goodness? Heavens no! Why? We don't like them, and thus we do not want to give them the wrong idea, which offering them yum-yums would indeed do. Do we invite our wanna-be (and by wanna-be I mean we want them to be) lover men over to share our spoils? Heck yes we do! Why? Because we want them to think more sugar is an option. And no, I'm not talking about the processed variety, rather the sugar one might extract from the sweet, sweet lips of a young lady. What do you not get boys? We feed you deliciousness because we love you.

"What's going on? Freak...RUN!"

One especially insightful young man spoke to me the other day of relationships and their unfortunate beginnings...or lack thereof. I stated that men need to step up their game, grow a pair, and start asking girls out, as it is their duty to womankind. I explained that when us girls go after men, we have a tendency to be viewed as desperate. He replied as follows: "If the gazelle starts chasing the lion he's like, 'What's going on? Freak...RUN!" Yes girls, we are the gazelle. So if guys like to be the one to chase the girls down, lets get on with it. The only reason the gazelle starts chasing is because she's tired of waiting around for the stupid lion to pounce. So, she figures if she inches toward him he'll get the idea she wants to be chased. After all, she is a gazelle...But no. See, lions are stupid. So the gazelle thinks that if she chases him he'll get off his rear and get the clue to chase back, so she does. And what does our dear lion do? "Freak...RUN!" He gets off his tush alright, but he's headed the wrong freaking direction!!! Oh silly gazelle.

One little, two little, three little skanks...

Okay, for as much as I rant about guys, I feel the need to cut them a break. Girls can be just as bad...well, some of them at least. And even those of us who aren't out to be heartless super-skanks have our issues. For as much as we may try not to be, we are generally overly emotional and incredibly hormonal. Not that we can help it, but we can often be confused with that giant, terrifying dinosaur (no girls, not Barney) GODZILLA, as we stomp around, teeth bared, somehow unable to properly communicate with society without terrifying children, the elderly, and let us not forget, most of all, men. It's a wonder they brave the torrent of emotional chaos for any of us. Men may be harsh and seemingly unfeeling but we often meet them blow for blow. There's a reason we've got the rep we do, men have two obnoxious extremes to deal with. The overly emotional, hormonally unstable, super-skanks, and the soul sucking harpies. Exhibit A: Super-skanks. Like batteries, these women hold an emotional charge strong enough to shock the crap any man alive. It doesn't matter if they already have a man, anyone is fair game and subject to their wily ways. They take the term "divide and conquer" not as a group objective, but as an individual one. Schizophrenia is a lifestyle in their case, not a disorder. They are the center of the universe, and yes, we should praise them. Common symptoms include explosive blow ups, unexplainable and sometimes unstoppable bouts of tears, and overly dramatic displays of any emotion. The loony bin called, they want their psycho back! But now, on to the next. Exhibit B: Soul-sucking harpies. These girls are something special. Most of us don't go through the day with the intent of being heartless, it just happens sometimes. Harpies however, have got to lay awake at night just thinking of ways they can stomp on boys' little hearts. Don't get me wrong, we'll occasionally plot about ways to get back at boys for some cruel misdeed and make sure it hurts, but we wouldn't think of actually going through with it. These girls plot like the rest of us, but they carry out their plans!!! They really don't care if what they do hurts. They're the bane of young men and the curse of womanhood. So with that said, let me offer a formal apology boys. I'm sorry girls are horrible. You just don't deserve it sometimes...sometimes. Let me just says this: In the words of George Carlin, "Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." If you're gonna dish out the crap, make sure you can take it boys. As previously discussed, it will undoubtedly come.

The few, The proud, The B.S.

There's a few of us, we're proud, and it's all a bunch-o-B.S. I'm not talkin' about the Marines girls, I'm talkin' about us! THE SINGLE! The Marines are lucky in comparison! They have guns. And while some of us may have those too, they're aloud to use them! So let's dissect this: The few. That's right, it would seem we're going extinct. Our breed is slowly dying off, ruthlessly being taken out by the wiley ways of determined poachers hidden beneath the guise of being gentle young men. It's guerrilla warfare. They're ruthless and bold and only the strong survive! Hence our pride! It's a classic case of survival of the fittest. We've survived the mad feeding frenzy so often confused with what the weak call the "dating game." We should be proud! We don't need men to make us happy! We are strong, capable, confident, independent....lonely women. Which leads me to my next point. We may be proudly few in number, but it also sucks like no other. While they are annoyingly pig headed and immature, they're also hot and sweet and adorably manly. I know, right? I'm whistling a slightly different tune this time around. I don't hate all of them!...just most of them...

In the Jungle

Welcome to BYU-'I do'! Birthplace of the mighty Love Jungle! Population: Some astronomical number of overly lovey-dovey couples, and even larger amount of disgusted single people. BYU-'I do' boasts stunning displays of public affection, including but not limited to: intense make out sessions, frolicking about clinging to one another's hands, and last, but certainly not least, that adorable cuddling we all like to see! As one might imagine, BYU-'I do' subjects it's residents to sickening displays of love, sappy infatuation, and eternal happiness! It comes with the territory! However, BYU-'I do' is not for the faint of heart or the weak in stomach. Such displays may cause: Nausea, annoyance, heart break, vomiting, bitterness, and a general lack of faith in people's ability to remain sane while under the influence of attraction. One word of warning: Don't stand too close, our sappy love might rub off on you!

I'm a Barbie girl!

Let's be serious, Barbie's the only girl who likes to be played with. Which is obvious...Her bikini is always falling off in the store. However, those of us who don't come from the racks of your local toy store have something other than fleshy colored plastic occupying our insides. It sound just like the word heart. Oh yeah, it is a heart! Caution: Contents may be soft, squishy, and incredibly fragile. That's right, it hurts when you poke at it, drop it, run over it...that sort of thing. And unlike Barbie, it can't be fixed with super glue. We don't come from boxes, we don't have to buy our friends, and we're not all hot after Ken. If you want a girl to play with boys, Barbie's waiting at Wal-mart!

The Yoorooga

Ah, The Yoorooga, the casa, the humble abode! That's right, the new PAD! No, not Kotex, I'm talkin' about my apartment, and all that comes along with it! The roommates, the fun, and above all, the "Itty bitty livin' space!" Name that movie! Who would have thought it would be so fun?! With the quote wall, the awesome eavesdropping front window, and above all, the ongoing search for the elusive Chad, could it get better? The best part is YES! IT CAN! And one would hope that it indeed will!